Just a bit of stupidity which won't let me sleep until I get it out of my
head. Rated whatever the hell you think is appropriate for obscene
language, weirdness, and innuendo.

Disclaimer... <yawn>

*******************************

[Late at night on an otherwise peaceful Voyager]

<snuggle> "Mmm, B'Elanna..."

<sleepy grunt> "Huh?"

<alarmed screech> "WHAT THE FUCK?"

<rubbing eyes> "Tom?"

<panicked scramble> "Harry?"

<bleary-eyed confusion> "What are you doing in my bed?"

<open-mouthed gaping> "I thought I was in *my* bed!

<rolling over> "These are my quarters. Try down the hall."

*******************************

[In the corridor]

<curious glance> "Jenny, I didn't know you were seeing Batehart."

<perplexed frown> "I'm not."

<suggestive grin> "So why are you leaving his quarters in the middle of
gamma shift? Wearing that skimpy little nightgown?"

<irritated scowl> "Aren't those Ensign Kim's quarters you've stepped out
of? Nice boxers, by the way. You should wear pink more often."

<thoughtful pause> "Hang on. Don't tell me you woke up in his bed and
don't know how you got there..."

<rubbing forehead> "Well, I'm sure I didn't drink *that* much at
Sandrine's last night."

<relieved sigh> "Oh, good, it's not just me. For a minute I thought I
must have been sleepwalking."

<cheerful giggle> "So it's another weird Delta quadrant thing? Thank
god. For a minute I was really worried. I mean, *Batehart*? Oh well.
I'll see you at breakfast."

<over shoulder> "Yeah, see ya."

**********************************

[In Tom's quarters]

<softly muttering> "Jesus fucking Christ, what next?"

<sitting up in bed> "Tom?"

<jumping a foot in the air> "*SHIT*! Harry? What's going on here?"

<looking around> "Well, I was in *my* quarters a second ago..."

<running hand through hair> "Do you think we should tell the captain about
this?"

<blushing faintly> "I guess we better."

<tapping commbadge> "Paris to Janeway."

<drowsy mumble> "Janeway here."

<shifting uncomfortably> "Captain, there's something strange happening
that, um, we thought you should..."

<strangled gasp> "B'ELANNA?"

*********************************

[In the captain's ready room]

<deep breath> "Q! Get your worthless ass into this room now!"

<flash of light> "Really, Kathy, there's no need for that kind of
language. A polite request is sufficient."

<death stare> "Are you behind this?"

<feigned innocence> "Behind what exactly?"

<impatient tapping> "Behind the appearance of the Lieutenant Torres in my
bed, Lieutenant Paris in Ensign Kim's bed, Tuvok in Chakotay's bed for
Christ's fucking sake, and god knows what other ridiculous combinations..."

<sprawling on couch> "Well, who knows what God knows, he's such an aloof
bastard sometimes, but *I* can give you a list if you really want to know."

<steely voice> "What I really want to know is, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING?"

<puppy-dog face> "Oh, come on Kathy, lighten up. You won't be running
into any more hostile races or dangerous anomalies for another three weeks,
so I thought it was a good time to liven things up around here. Crew
morale is terribly low right now. And those hideously inappropriate
couplings! <shudder> Your silly helmboy wouldn't know what to do with a
Klingon woman if she sprang him in the turbolift and bit him on the jaw...
which she has... repeatedly... without getting any results. And a
beautiful, intelligent woman like you is shamefully wasted on that bland
old fart, oh, what's his name? Chuckles? <petulant sigh> I'm doing you a
favour; I think a little gratitude would be in order. Hmmm?"

<angry gesture> "Q, you can't just show up on my ship and rearrange my
crewmembers to your liking!"

<smug smile> "But of course I can, darling, I'm omnipotent. Now, where's
that lacy number I dressed you in for your date with the engineer? I
picked it out especially."

<icy glare> "Get off my ship."

<snapping fingers> "Oh, if you insist..." <flash of light>

<relieved sigh> "Thank god that's over."

<distant echo> "But it's not over, Kathy. You forget to tell me to stop."

<frustrated scream> "Q! Q, get back here! Q!"

*******************************

[Second night]

<suddenly alarmed> "Tuvok! Did you..."

<impassive stare> "Curious. It would appear that Q has chosen me as your
potential mate."

<pulling sheets up to neck> "Uh, I don't think it would be good idea if we
were to..."

<impassive stare> "Certainly not. It would be illogical to attempt sexual
activity in these circumstances, Captain. With your permission, I will use
the terminal at your desk to contact the security staff on duty. I must
confirm that they were not relocated to private quarters."

<resigned sigh> "Don't bother, Tuvok. According to Q, we'll be travelling
through empty space for the next three weeks. And if your staff have been
'relocated', there's nothing you or anyone else can do to separate them
from their assigned partner."

<impassive stare> "In that case, logic dictates we get some rest. I will
be reviewing known strategies of counteracting manipulation by Q in the
morning."

*******************************

<mild surprise> "Oh, hi B'Ela."

<rolls eyes> "Hi Harry. I guess we've got each other for the night then."

<climbing out of bed> "Here, put this on." <toss> "Not that you don't
look wonderful in black satin, but I don't want Tom killing me for seeing
so much of you."

<rustle> "Thanks, Starfleet. I don't think I even want Tom to see this
much of me."

<climbs back into bed> "Well, since you're here, I could use some input on
the new schematics for the hull reinforcement..."

****************************

[Third night]

<bumps into something solid> "Mmph?"

<ungentle shove> "Paris, you're on my side of the bed."

<opens eyes> <incoherent gurgle>

<belatedly grabs blankets> "I'll have you know that I don't normally wear
red latex in bed, Lieutenant."

<laughing hysterically> "Hey, Q! Are you out of your fucking mind? Me
and *Chakotay*?"

<stony stare> "Just shut up and let me get some sleep, alright. I didn't
get any in the cargo bay last night."

<jaw dropping> "You got Seven last night? Oh, not fair! I ended up with
the doctor. It's even worse spending the night in sickbay when you're not
actually sick." <raises eyebrows> "What do you mean, you didn't 'get any'
last night, Commander?"

<hurls pillow> "Paris, shut up. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. Now."

<rearranging too-tight g-string> "In a minute. I've got some research to
do. Computer, what is the location of... umm, Security Chief Tuvok?

<silly beep> "Lieutenant Tuvok is in the cargo bay."

<frustrated howl> "Oh, dammit to hell! When is it my turn with Seven?
Okay... Computer, what is the location of Ensign Kim?"

<silly beep> "Ensign Kim is in compartment A10."

<nudge> "Hear that? Harry's with the captain."

<rolling over> "I don't want to know about it."

<smirk> "Sure you do. Apparently Q isn't going to let up until we settle
into new couples. But don't worry, I'm sure you won't be replaced by
Harry. Computer, what is the location of Lieutenant Torres?"

<silly beep> "Lieutenant Torres is in compartment C14."

<blank look> "Who's that? Carey? Hey, commander, you should know this.
Who lives in C14?" <sudden horrified gasp> "Oh, fucking hell! That's
Neelix! She'll..."

<bolts out of bed> "SHIT! She'll..." <lunges for commbadge> "Chakotay
to transporter room 2. Emergency beam-out required..."

**********************************

<blushing furiously> "Captain!"

<reassuring hand on shoulder> "Relax, Ensign. None of this is your
fault. We're just going to have to endure it until Q gets bored with his
little game."

<embarrassed mumble> "I thought it was going to happen until the crew was
paired up to his liking."

<hand lingering on bare shoulder> "Hmmm? Oh yes, he was displeased with
some of the relationships on board. Apparently he approved of a select
few, because certain couples have been left as they were, while the rest of
us are moved around like chess pieces."

<indignant outrage> "I don't know where he gets off separating you from
the commander!"

<fingers move slightly on silky golden skin> "Actually, Harry, Q was right
about that one. He's saved me from a potentially awkward situation by
taking the matter out of my hands."

<astonished stare> "You too?" <quickly looks away> "I mean, um..."

<interest piqued> "Weren't things working out between you and Seven?"

<regretful sigh> "Well, not really. I mean, so many aspects of a
relationship are irrelevent to her. I tried so hard to make it work, but
it just wasn't enough."

<'reassuring hand' moves to caress smooth back> "I'm sure you did
everything you could. I've never known you to do less than your best,
Harry."

<relieved smile> "Thank-you, captain."

<thinking hard> "We're half-naked in bed together, Harry, so I think you
can call me Kathryn. And yes, I've been admiring your enthusiasm for some
time now."

<suspicion aroused> "My *enthusiasm*?"

<'reassuring hand' begins stroking sculpted chest> "That's something you
have, and Chakotay lacks, you know. I assume that your enthusiastic nature
carries over into your... *private* life?

<enthusiastic grin> "Oh, does that mean what I think it means?"

*************************************

[In the Captain's ready room]

<cheerful humming>

<flash of light> "Well, hello, Kathy darling. You're looking absolutely
radiant this morning."

<irrepresible glow> "What can I do for you, Q?"

<smug satisfaction> "Just letting you know that I've finalised my
arrangements of your crew. Tonight, the combinations I create will be
permanent."

<raises eyebrow> "I hope you know what you're doing."

<offended sniff> "I'm omniscient, of course I know what I'm doing!"

<folding arms across chest> "Just don't let me down here, Q."

<conspiratorial wink> "Of course not, Kathy. I guarantee you'll be
pleased with the results. You can thank me in a few days. Toodle-oo!"
<flash of light>

<humming resumes>

**********************************

[Fourth night]

<enthusiastic grin> "Captain!"

<reassuring hand on... well, you know> "Nice to see you again, Harry."

***********************************

<utter amazement> "*Tuvok*?>

<impassive stare> "You seem surprised by Q's decision to pair us,
Lieutenant."

<hand on hip> "He's *got* to be kidding. Don't you think this is
ridiculous?"

<impassive stare> "On the contrary, I find this combination eminently
logical."

<defiant skepticism> "Uh huh? How so?"

<impassive stare> "It is my opinion that when pon farr inevitably begins,
as a Klingon, you will be the only woman on board able to endure such
prolonged and strenuous activity. Also, I think you will find that a
Vulcan male is a suitable sexual partner for a Klingon female. Vulcans
have speed, strength, and stamina far superior to that of human males.
There is a high probability that I will be able to satisfy your sexual
demands, when your human lovers were incapable."

<bares teeth> "Is that so?"

<feral grin> "If you harbour any doubts about our compatability,
Lieutenant, I am willing to begin a demonstration."

*********************************

[In Chakotay's quarters]

<solitary snore>

*********************************

<quizzical look> "Computer, identify the device which has materialised
in my alcove."

<silly beep> "The device is a vibrator. This particular model is known as
'The Terminator'."

<picks it up> "Computer, display information detailing the primary
function of this device."

<silly beep> "Complying."

<studying console> "Interesting."

[A low hum fills the cargo bay.]

***********************************

<horrified scream> "Neelix!"

<swings whip experimentally> "Well, Tom, I must say I'm very surprised to
find myself in your quarters. Especially dressed in all this cumbersome
leather. Well, Q knows best, I suppose. We'd better get started."

<struggles against metal restraints> "NOOOO!!!"

************************************

[And the ship sails on.]

 

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