"What the hell is that, Fraser?"
"It's my penis, Ray. I thought you wanted to make love."
"Well, yeah, but, it's so... you know, medium sized."
"It does fall within the average for male genitals, Ray. Five to six inches is the standard. What were you expecting?"
"I dunno. Just... more. And you're circumcised."
"I may have been born in a barn, but I was taken
to a nearby hospital. Is it a problem?"
"No, no. I guess not. I just wasn't expecting-"
"Have you been reading fanfic again, Ray?"
"Yes, no, maybe."
"You do realize, Ray, that fanfic writers, especially
slash writers, tend to take their favorite
characteristics and over dramatize them."
"Yeah, I guess yer right. I was just hopin', you
"As long as we're on the subject, Ray, and you have
seen my penis, I would like to see yours, please."
"Oh. Sure. There."
"Hmm' what? What's that supposed to mean?"
"You aren't actually leanly muscled are you, Ray?
You're kinda... nevermind."
"What!? I'm kinda what?"
"Scrawny. But really, it's fine. I'll just close my
"SCRAWNY! Look here, you ain't got a six pack going
there, buddy. And don't tell me that you need that
extra layer for winter in the Territories, cause
you ain't been to Canada in 3 years. Oh, and you
dye your hair."
"Well, I never claimed to be svelte now did I?
And while we're on the subject of hair, don't
you ever wash yours?"
"Ray, Ray. Do you realize that we are very close to
having an argument? I really don't care about your
"No. That's not important. What is important is the
uses to which you can put your penis."
"Greatness. Bend over and I'll get to work."
"Excuse me? You are so crude, Ray. Besides,
*I'm* not the one that needs to bend over."
"Whadda mean - *you're* not the one to bend
over? *I* don't bottom. You do."
"I most certainly do not. Everyone knows
that you're the bottom."
"*Everyone* knows? Please. The only thing
that *everyone* knows is that you're gay,
I'm not, and you bottom."
"That is the most ridiculous thing that
I've ever heard you say. I'm not gay.
I'm a Mountie."
"Prancing around in that red uniform
ALL the time. Of course you're gay.
I was married to Stella. You, on
the other hand have slept with
Vecchio, some guy named Steve,
oh, and let's not forget Turnbull,
who really proves the entire Mountie
"Ray! I am shocked that you would even bring up the
subject of my past lovers. And since you brought it
up, you forgot Sean. And don't think I don't know
that you have been leering at Welsh for quite some
"Duh! Fraser. I think you have your fanfic mixed up."
"Oh, right you are, Ray. Now, where were we?"
"You were gonna bend over and take it like
"I most certainly was not. *You* were."
"Look, Fraser, I know how this goes. You're
in love with me but I'm straight, so you
have to convince me to fall in love with you
and you do that by bottoming."
"Do you even hear what you're saying?
It's obvious that I'm mooning over the
loss of real Ray-"
"The *REAL* Ray? Oh, that's low Benton,
especially for a Mountie."
"It's canon, Ray, don't whine. Anyway,
I'm mooning over the... original Ray
and here you come in your overly tight
jeans and skimpy little t-shirts and
seduce me. And you are gay."
"I don't wear tight jeans - do these
look like tight jeans to you? No. And
I AM NOT GAY. Stella. Luanne. That
chick in the baseball story."
"Oh. So, you have, what? One."
"Levon. Volpe. And since you brought him up, Turnbull."
"Very well, Ray. As it is obvious that you are
getting just a little touchy, I will acquiesce."
"So does this mean that you agree to bottom."
"Ok, then lean over."
"I would prefer to lie down on my back."
"Jeez, Frase, you are a freak."
"Whatever you say, Ray. Now, come closer, closer.
That's fine. Now just..."
"Fraser! Man! When you agreed to be on the bottom, this
is *not* what I had in mind."
"Ray, shut up and enjoy it."
"Okay, yeah, that's it. That's just..."
"Near 'nuff, Benton-buddy. Of course if
you were a bit longer..."