Written with Corrinne one lonely afternoon. We had fun.
Conversation

"What the hell is that, Fraser?"

"It's my penis, Ray. I thought you wanted to make love."

"Well, yeah, but, it's so... you know, medium sized."

"It does fall within the average for male genitals, Ray. Five to six inches is the standard. What were you expecting?"

"I dunno. Just... more. And you're circumcised."

"I may have been born in a barn, but I was taken to a nearby hospital. Is it a problem?"

"No, no. I guess not. I just wasn't expecting-"

"Have you been reading fanfic again, Ray?"

"Yes, no, maybe."

"You do realize, Ray, that fanfic writers, especially slash writers, tend to take their favorite characteristics and over dramatize them."

"Yeah, I guess yer right. I was just hopin', you know."

"As long as we're on the subject, Ray, and you have seen my penis, I would like to see yours, please."

"Oh. Sure. There."

"Hmm."

"Hmm' what? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You aren't actually leanly muscled are you, Ray? You're kinda... nevermind."

"What!? I'm kinda what?"

"Scrawny. But really, it's fine. I'll just close my eyes."

"SCRAWNY! Look here, you ain't got a six pack going there, buddy. And don't tell me that you need that extra layer for winter in the Territories, cause you ain't been to Canada in 3 years. Oh, and you dye your hair."

"Well, I never claimed to be svelte now did I? And while we're on the subject of hair, don't you ever wash yours?"

"sputtering incoherently."

"Ray, Ray. Do you realize that we are very close to having an argument? I really don't care about your size."

"No?"

"No. That's not important. What is important is the uses to which you can put your penis."

"Yeah?"

"Most definitely."

"Greatness. Bend over and I'll get to work."

"Excuse me? You are so crude, Ray. Besides, *I'm* not the one that needs to bend over."

"Whadda mean - *you're* not the one to bend over? *I* don't bottom. You do."

"I most certainly do not. Everyone knows that you're the bottom."

"*Everyone* knows? Please. The only thing that *everyone* knows is that you're gay, I'm not, and you bottom."

"That is the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard you say. I'm not gay. I'm a Mountie."

"Hah. Exactly."

"..."

"Prancing around in that red uniform ALL the time. Of course you're gay. I was married to Stella. You, on the other hand have slept with Vecchio, some guy named Steve, oh, and let's not forget Turnbull, who really proves the entire Mountie thing."

"Ray! I am shocked that you would even bring up the subject of my past lovers. And since you brought it up, you forgot Sean. And don't think I don't know that you have been leering at Welsh for quite some time now."

"Duh! Fraser. I think you have your fanfic mixed up."

"Oh, right you are, Ray. Now, where were we?"

"You were gonna bend over and take it like a man."

"I most certainly was not. *You* were."

"Look, Fraser, I know how this goes. You're in love with me but I'm straight, so you have to convince me to fall in love with you and you do that by bottoming."

"Do you even hear what you're saying? It's obvious that I'm mooning over the loss of real Ray-"

"The *REAL* Ray? Oh, that's low Benton, especially for a Mountie."

"It's canon, Ray, don't whine. Anyway, I'm mooning over the... original Ray and here you come in your overly tight jeans and skimpy little t-shirts and seduce me. And you are gay."

"I don't wear tight jeans - do these look like tight jeans to you? No. And I AM NOT GAY. Stella. Luanne. That chick in the baseball story."

"Sam Franklin."

"Oh. So, you have, what? One."

"Levon. Volpe. And since you brought him up, Turnbull."

"Shut-up."

"Very well, Ray. As it is obvious that you are getting just a little touchy, I will acquiesce."

"Ya will?"

"Certainly, Ray."

"So does this mean that you agree to bottom."

"Yes, Ray."

"Ok, then lean over."

"I would prefer to lie down on my back."

"Jeez, Frase, you are a freak."

"Whatever you say, Ray. Now, come closer, closer. That's fine. Now just..."

"Fraser! Man! When you agreed to be on the bottom, this is *not* what I had in mind."

"Ray, shut up and enjoy it."

"Okay, yeah, that's it. That's just..."

"Perfect?"

"Near 'nuff, Benton-buddy. Of course if you were a bit longer..."

"Ray..."

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Disclaimer: These characters belong to Alliance and the author makes no claims upon them - no copyright infrigement is intended. This story is for entertainment purposes only and there is no monetary gain.